Today’s inspiration: the #kflayshow What Am I Doing Here? – a microcast by K.flay – specifically episodes 3 &4
Music worth listening to: Coconut Records – Nighttiming (Yea, the whole album, but if you don’t have that kind of time, at least listen to “Back to You”)
If you read my post from yesterday, you’ll know I’ve been going through a bit of a creative crisis over the last few years. Or maybe something bigger than that. But either way my creativity, and my creative outlets, have been seriously suffering. Not unsurprisingly, when I finally sat down to listen to some more of the K.flay microcast, which I have been meaning to do for AGES but just…hadn’t?…for one reason or another, I get to Episode 3 and what is it titled buuuut the Crisis of Creation.
My brain immediately went to “Holy shit, she’s going to take on that big of a philosophical/religious question in a 10-minute microcast?” but then she said it would be a two-part episode, and I’m all, “Oh yea, that might at least be long enough to get in some good points.”
I’m an idiot sometimes.
Or maybe not. But either way, I was NOT on the right page.
What she was actually referring to was writer’s block, the blank screen, and how to get words behind the cursor. And the first guest that she spoke to about how she focuses her creativity talked a lot about loneliness and honesty. Which really struck a chord with me.
Honesty can be so difficult.
But it is the cornerstone of my creative process.
Someone whose opinion is insanely important to me, commented to me once that it amazes him how open and honest I can be. And that made me smile. But it also felt like a somewhat inaccurate description of me.
But here’s the big secret: more frequently than not I can pour out my true feelings into the written word SO much more easily than I can manage to look someone in the eye and say what I need to say out loud. The written word gives you the ability to focus on the things you need to hash out with yourself and let other things blur until you’re ready to deal with them. The written word is a place where you can choose to hide, but what you make is much more meaningful if it comes from a place of truth and honesty. And no matter what anyone tells you, most of the time, if you write things that you really care about, and share them with the people that truly care about you, good things will happen. People will see you and understand you in ways they couldn’t have fathomed before and that, my friends, is absolutely worth it.
I’m currently typing with one hand so that I can hold a bowl for my dog to lick, it’s really not the most functional thing I have ever done.
You really should listen to the whole album, but another definite must (assuming you’re short on time) would be “Slowly.”
Ok, he’s done licking now.
Letting yourself be vulnerable enough to tell the raw, unfiltered version of yourself is scary. It’s much easier to pretend that your brain is a sparkling ray of sunshine that never demands that you turn it off. That never demands that you do self-sabotaging behavior in order to avoid what it really thinks. That never questions the nature of its own existence, and furthermore why it deserves an existence at all.
Luckily, not every honest truth is depressing, sometimes you just want to tell everyone how excited you are that you finally had a breakthrough on a project your working on. Or you finally kicked that workouts ass and now you can move on to bigger and better things. Sometimes you remember a funny joke you heard yesterday and you can’t stop laughing. In fact, just last night I went out with a few friends from work to play some pool, and we had the most genuinely GOOD time I have had with friends in such a long time. We were all getting along so well, and evvveerryyything was funny. It is that energy that I wish I could always bring to the table.
But sometimes I just need to scream at the world that I’m a cutter, and an alcoholic, and there are times when I think that all I’m here for is to be the most high-functioning, depressed, drug-abusing person that you know. I want to yell that I suck at relationships and that I always choose to be with people that I love but I know I won’t be able to spend forever with because I don’t value my own opinions enough to choose people that do. And once I get done with all the screaming, I’m going to sob –like uncontrollable, curled up in a ball on the tile floor all alone, SOBBING— and then when I’m done with all that crazy person stuff, I’ll go back about my day as though nothing ever happened. And I’ll find three HUNDRED more things to laugh at about today than you will. And I will deal with customers with a genuine smile across my face all night long. Because honesty, well honesty just isn’t that simple.
This post has lost its focus. Partly because I’m listening to this amazing album. “Easy Girl” is another highlight. But really, at this point are you not at least a little intrigued and thinking you should probably just start at the beginning and listen to the entire thing?
Do it. I dare you.